COMEDY AUDIO SERIES

AUDITIONS FOR OUR NEW COMEDY VARIETY SHOW – WTF RADIO (Where’s The Funny)

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NOTE: Auditions can be MP3’s, but for cast parts we ask you submit WAV or AIF files.  For sending large files there are free services available like wetransfer and dropbox.

ANY AUDITION LINES WRITTEN IN RED ARE ALREADY CAST

(ASSEMBLING THE SIMPSONS CAST!)

We are putting together a Simpsons skit and are looking for all regular Simpsons characters.  Don’t miss out, get your audition in.  To audition find a clip on YouTube with your character saying two or more lines, then send in your audition of those lines along with the clip address for comparison to intergalacticspacerangers@gmail.com  As our cast fills in we will post our finalists here.

BART SIMPSON – AMY MARGOLIS

 

DISNEY/PIXAR – LOOKING FOR ANY DISNEY/PIXAR CHARACTERS FROM NEW TO OLD.

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 CURRENT PARODY SONG NEEDS (Male/Female-Singers)

WE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THE FINAL TRACK BACKGROUND, KAROKE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR AUDITIONS

IT’S THE MOST AWESOMIST TIME OF THE YEAR (It’s the most wonderful time of the year parody) duet between Homer and Bart Simpson.

It’s the most awesomist time of the year
With the ice cream man selling
And everyone yelling, grab me a beer
It’s the most awesomist time of the year

It’s the best bestest time of them all
Watching girls in bikinis while out roasting weenies.
while they play volleyball
It’s the best bestest time of them all

There’ll be parties for crashing
and streaking and dashing
to wet tshirt contests we’ll go
we’ll hit up the fair grounds
for rides that will spin round
we’ll see how fast they can go

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JOKER FACE (Poker Face parody) Duet between Harley Quinn and the Mark Hamill version of The Joker. 

(looking for samples of Vo actress doing any Harley Quinn bit or Male Vo actor doing Mark Hamills Joker)

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CAMELOT CITY (Paradise city parody) Male singer

 

Take me back
To Camelot city
Where the tables are round
And the tales are witty
Merlin won’t you please take me home

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WELFARE USA – (God bless the USA parody) Male, grunge/rock sound.

Oh I’m glad to be an American
where my paychecks come
for free

where the welfare system
pays my rent
and for my cable tv

So I gladly stand up

and grab a beer

then I cheerfully say

thank goodness for this land
welfare USA

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GET ME DESERT (Take me to church parody)

My girls a consumer

finds real food so dull
It all has her disapproval
I should’ve noticed this sooner.

For ice cream cake she’s so weak
Always got to have the last piece.

Those sweeter foods she does seek
A different malt shop each week

Cream so thick, you can spray it.

She don’t want food on a wheat bun
Says health food is no fun.
To the only restaurant I’ll be sent to
Doesn’t serve any soul food

The whole health kick
Makes her sick
Needs sweets to be well

Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Get me desert
Don’t want no hotdogs, just get me some pies
I won’t tell you again get rid of them fries
Offer me that chocolate death
It’s cake come on give me that knife

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HEAVING ON A JET PLANE(Leaving on a jet plane parody) Female singer Mamas and Papas sound.
‘Cause I’m heavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll feel good again
Oh babe, I have to go

But, I’m heavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll feel good again
Oh my colons gonna blow.

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DON’T GO MAKEN A FART(Don’t go breaking my hear parody) Male Singer & Female Singer

Don’t go maken a fart
I couldn’t if I tried
Those burritos we had last night
Have us bound up inside

Don’t go breaken a fart
Especially when you go pee
Cause when we have company over
You always say its from me

Ooh hoo
My colon blows

When I sit down
The smell rolls around
Ooh hoo
Your face really shows it (echo – really shows)
When you push out a fart
It stops my heart ooo
It stops my heart

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RODNEY DANGERFIELD – 

I decided the other day that I’d take up jogging, try to get rid of the old spare tire.  So I did like everyone else and went to sporting goods store and spent like $500.  Didn’t know it cost $500 to run.  On the streets of New York it could cost you more than that to not run.  The sales girl comes up me nice tan with floater shirt and short shorts.  She Tells me that she really enjoys running.  I said sweetheart, dressed like that you’d have to.   Then with me not realizing there was a sticker on my forehead saying sucker she starts in with you got to have the right shoes and jogging outfit, the ankle weights, because as you can see I’m not carrying enough weight already.  And then there’s the head band and by the time she was finished I thought I was going to have to take out a second mortgage on the house.  She rang everything up and it came up to over five hundred bucks.  Five hundred bucks!?  Just to go jogging?  I said how about instead I take five buck and leave it hanging out of my back pocket and go down to the Bronx.  I’ll save over four hundred dollars and will be far more motivated to keep running than I would buying all this stuff.

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GORILLA WARFARE

TED: “Our star reporter Mark Duspot is live covering the fighting that’s broken out over in the Peruvian jungles recently.  Mark, how is the situation looking over there?”

SOUND: Jungle sounds

MARK: “It’s not looking good Ted, it’s gotten really bad, and they’ve resorted to guerrilla warfare.”

SOUND: Horses riding up.

 MARK: “Oh no, they’ve spotted me!”

 SOUND” Horses stop.  HORN BLOW HORN BLOW

APE: “There!  Get him!  Die filthy human!”

SOUND: RIFLE SHOTS

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PAYING THE RENT – Woman announcer/girlfriend and boyfriend

WOMAN: “(calm and sympathetic) Ladies is it that time of the month again?  That uncomfortable time when you’re cranky and not quite feeling yourself, that time when(cranky and loud) you have to tell that no good lazy (beep) man of yours to get of his lazy (beep) and go look for a (beep) job.  That’s right; you know what I’m talkin about girl.  Come home all hours of the night smelling like whiskey and cheap perfume and then not dragging his sorry (beep) out of bed till noon.”

MAN: “(Sweet talking) Aww come on girl, don’t be like that.  You know you’re my little pooky bear.  Come here and give me a little sugar.”

WOMAN: “Listen fool, that aint gonna work with me, uh uh.  Don’t even think about it.  You need to go get yourself a job.”

MAN: “Awww come on baby.  You know you can’t stay mad at me.  Let’s say we go upstairs so I can give you a little su’em  su’em.  You know nobody love you like I do. Right baby.”

WOMAN: “Well…alright.  Hey!  Don’t you be judging me.  One way or another he gonna pay the rent.”

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WTF PLUG

CHEERY OLD STYLE COMMERCIAL MUSIC
ANNOUNCER –
Hi there commuter!
Yes I’m speaking to you.
What’s the matter? Traffic got you down?
What’s that? The traffic has you down and you’re tired of the same ole thing on the radio.
Well turn Mr. Frown upside down. What you need is a good dose of WTF RADIO.
What’s that you ask?
W-T-F , Where’s the funny Radio. Definitely not the radio your parents grew up with.
When you get your daily dose does of WTF those traffic jams, high gas prices and that government take over happening that everyone is blabbing about but you hope by ignoring will go away on its own will turn W-T-H’s What the heck.
So sit back, grab some WTF and let all your cares roll away, because you know if you’re on the 405 it’s not your car that’s going to be rolling along.
W-T-F Where’s the funny Radio – Don’t leave home without it.

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MONSTER MASHED – Johnny, Janet Zombie & Extras

Johnny: “Run Janet!  It’s a hoard of zombies!”

SOUND: PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND YELLING, GROWLING, SOUNDS OF EATING AND BITING ETC…

JANET: “They’re everywhere!  What are we going to do? 

Johnny: “Come on Janet, we’ll hide in this closet.”

JANET: “Wait there’s a clear path to that exit.”

JOHNNY:  “No, come on, we’ll be safer in here.”

EXTRAS FOR ZOMBIE SKIT – Extras for this skit will receive CREDIT.

(MALE/FEMALE ANY AGE ANY ACCENT)– WE NEED SUBMISSIONS FOR

ZOMBIES (GROWLS, MOANS AND EATING)

VICTIMS CRYING OUT FOR HELP

VICTIMS PLEADING

VICTIMS SCREAMING

VICTIMS COMPLAINING IN PAIN LIKE “MY EYE!” “IT JUST BIT MY HAND OFF” ETC… BE CREATIVE.

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OFF SHORE RESTAURANT

JEROME

I’m standing now with the Captain of the SS Big Gulp overlooking the main dining area.  So, Captain, how did you come up with this idea?

CAPTAIN

Originally, I ran a fishing charter out of Sheepheads Bay.  After New York banned trans fats in foods, we installed deep fryers and began cooking up everything from deep-fried fillet to deep-fried potatoes. 
WOMAN
I’ll have the deep fried T-bone steak. Do I get a choice of vegetable with that?

WAITER
We have the deep-fried string beans and the deep-fried broccoli.

COAST GUARD
(on bull horn)
Ahoy, SS Big Gulp! Prepare to be boarded. 

FIRST MATE
The bridge reports we haven’t reached international waters yet! The Coast Guard is in approaching!

MAITRE D’
Well, it’ll be forty-five minutes for a table to open up. You can come alongside or you can board and wait in our bar.

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THEATER PIRATES

NARRATOR: (CAST – TORRY CLARK)”Coming soon, a new epic broadcast event, produced by the History Channel in conjunction with the Travel Channel: It’s the exciting tale about lawlessness on the open ocean, an era of high drama on the high seas.”

PIRATE:(CAST-MICHAEL LORD) “Well, shiver me timbers!  A fine looking band of spectators they be!  Way anchor, laddies!  Start the overture! Hoist the mizzenmast.  Raise the curtain!”  

PIRATE CREW: “Ahoy, maties!  I see an audience stern to port!  Stage ho!

PARROT: (CAST-MICHAEL LORD)”Theater pieces of eight.  Theater pieces of eight.”

CRUISE SHIP CAPTAIN:“It’s the Theater Pirates!  All hands on deck!”

WOMAN: (CAST – MARY GRANT)”Captain, what is that strange ship off the bow?”

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BEAT ME UP SCOTTY

You hear a scuffle

KIRK “I said beam me up Scotty!  Not beat me up!.”

SCOTTY: “Oh. sorry bout that Captain, I’ll put muself on report.  And sorry about the torn shirt and the wee spot of blood on yer lip.”

KIRK: “Eh? Oh yeah.  Dismissed.”

DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE

KIRK: “Mr. Spock.”

SPOCK: “Yes Captain.”

KIRK: “I have a special assignment for you.  I keep sending Scotty down in a red shirt and he keeps coming back alive.  What gives?”

SPOCK: “It seems to be some kind of an anomaly.  Something to do with a strange phenomenon called “Ratings”  I’ll look into further sir.”

KIRK: “That’s fine Mr. Spock as long as you’re not telling me it has something to do with that wibly wobly, timey wimey stuff.”

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50’s STYLE COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:-voice sample style https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUcjJ-yChjg

Are you a problem drinker? When you take out
the garbage, do the kids in your neighborhood
tell you what they want for Christmas, because
you haven’t shaved for three weeks, and the empty
bottles make your trash sound like sleigh bells?

When you’re sleeping on a park bench, do you
ever wake up to find someone playing connect
the dots with the spots on your nose?

On holidays, do the police put a checkpoint in your
driveway?

DUI GIRL (sexy Marylin Monroe type) (CAST – NOPHI MITCHELL)

I use the roadside rest stops.

Oh! How do you get there?

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BUDDY 2000 COMMERCIAL

JIM: “Bye Carol.”

Carol:(CAST – NOEL CALCATERRA) “So long dear, have a good time.”

JIM: “Hi neighbor!”

BOB: “Hi Jim!”  

JIM: “Out watering the flowers again I see.” 

BOB: “Yep, seems like the honey do list never ends.(kids running & screaming) hey, stay out of there!”

JIM: “Heh heh, well, you have fun with that I’m off for the weekend to go fishing with the guys.”

BOB: “How do you do it Jim?  how do you find the time to do all this stuff?”  

JIM: “Here, I’ll let you in on a little secret.(quietly)”

NARRATOR: “That’s right men!  Want more time to do the things you want, then get the Buddy 2000 personal help mate from Bronco.”

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EVERYBODY WAS KUNG POW FIGHTING

Setting is a Salon.

(ding ding) shop door opens and two girls come in.

GIRL#1:(VALLEY GIRL) (CAST-NOPHI MITCHELL)“Hi, we’re here for our eleven O’clock to like get our nails done.

ATTENDANT: (CAST – LUCILE DELANNE)“Right this way. Please have a seat; we’ll be with you shortly.  We’re just finishing up with these two ladies.

GIRL#2(VALLEY GIRL): (CAST – KATE SIGNALLA) “Hey I’m like totally starving; we should like grab a bite when we’re done here.”

GIRL#1: “For sure, like totally. Like, where should we go?”

GIRL#2: “Have you tried that new Italian place Louigis? Oh my gosh it is to die for.”

GIRL#1: “Like no way! OK let’s go there.”

LADY#1(ASIAN-very sarcastic): “Wait, wait. You no want to go to Italian restaurant with the big uh meat ball and spaghetti. You come to my restaurant and try some of my pork fried rice.”

LADY#2:(ASIAN-very sarcastic): “No, you no want to go to her restaurant, you come to mine. My pork fried rice kick her butt.”

LADY#1: “Yeah, you pork fried rice kick my butt because of all the little cockroach legs sticking out going kick kick kick.”

LADY#2: “Ahh, little cockroach Never killed anyone.”

LADY#1: “Oh yeah? Den how come you have funeral home open up cross street?”

LADY#2: “You should talk. What happened to Mr Lee the health inspector? He just happened to leave town on unexpected business the day of you inspection ?”

LADY#1: “(sweet talking) Oh hey I like your fingernails, they look so pretty.”

LADY#2: “Don’t change subject. I know you smuggling Mr Lee’s body out in your won ton soup.”

LADY#1: “No I no put body in my won ton soup. Maybe egg roll, but not my won ton soup. Everybody like my won ton soup, they eat lot.”

LADY#2: “Oh yeah, they eat lot of you soup, but the only reason you call it won ton soup is because after you done eating it, you weigh one ton.”

LUIGI (50’s hearty over exaggerated Italian accent) (CAST-MICHAEL LORD)

LADY#2: “Oooh come to his restaurant for free meal.  What you think we cannot afford to buy our own food?”

LADY#1: “Yeah, is that what you think?”

LUIGI: “Well, I have uh driven uh by your restaurant during the rush hour and…well I don’t think anyone would uh have trouble finding a parking space.”

LADY#2: “You think you food is so much better than ours do you?”

LADY#1: “Yeah and you no even try it.”

LUIGI: “No, that eeza not uh true.  I have uh tasted your general tsos chicken.”

LADY#2: “Oh?  And what did you think?  Delicious hmm?”

LUIGI: “Wella… let me just uh say… (quietly) General Tso losta the war.”

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Man – Australian Announcer

ANNOUNCER:(CAST – TOM BOURNE) “That’s right!  Just add water, give a good shake and presto there you have it, a nice squeeze bottle packed full of delicious Vegemite!”

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Sam Spade type character – 

It was a rainy night in Chicago with the kind of rain that kept on coming down like the prices at some cheap used car lot.  I had been sitting there for hours twiddling my thumbs waiting for an important phone call.  I had bet fifty dollars on little Vegas to win and was waiting to see if I was going to eat that night.

 

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